Thursday, July 21, 2016

Second Chance

I have been meaning to write this post for a week but I've felt emotionally exhausted. There are changes to our situation, great changes that I believed happened as a result of prayer. 

It's such a long story...

After living two weeks with the diagnosis of prostate cancer, Intermediate Stage, Grade Seven which required surgery and or radiation, we went to the Cancer Clinic to make a decision regarding my husband's treatment. We met with a young, new Dr who spoke to us like his staging didn't require surgery. This was a completely different story than 2 weeks ago.

There were two different pathology reports in my husband's file. The Dr double checked everything, found the error and sent his slides back to pathology. It was a sleepless night for us. I asked his oncologist what her gut feeling was and she said in her experience, the type of error that occurred would not be in our favour and not to get our hopes up.

I refused to believe anything but good news. My husband tried to get me to accept it his diagnosis likely wouldn't change but I refused. I know my refusal likely had no baring on the result, but the next day we received the news that his cancer is Grade Six, Low Stage.

In Canada and the UK, they do not treat prostate cancer at this stage. In the USA, they do. The consequences of the surgery are life altering for a young man and prostate cancer is very slow growing. His Grade Six may NEVER become Grade Seven and if it does, it will likely be in 20 years and new and better treatments may be available. He will have to be on active misalliance but that is doable from abroad.

So, after all of that, we are going to Cambodia again! We could be leaving very in a few weeks away. We are just waiting to hear the details. It's all unreal.

I feel like I have a second chance at life. A chance to live how I really want to live. And, that includes being serious yet again about my weight. It was the kick in the pants I needed.

I am 100% certain that there is no magic answer for me. It will take discipline and courage to get back on track and stay on track, but it feels like the one thing in my life that I can control right now. Everything else has been so out of my control.

I am already panicking that I won't be able to eat anything on the plane etc, etc. For my life, my body, my size, I KNOW that if I stop overeating, I lose weight and can keep it off. For me, to stop overeating means 3 well balanced, smaller portioned meals with 1 snack. For the most part, my goal is to "eat clean", but I must plan for times, like on the plane, when I can make the best choices I can make, and that has to be good enough. I am committed to no obvious, refined sugar or white wheat products. That's it. I'm keeping it simple this time round. 

I am committed to this being the last time round. No more making excuses! No more getting so complicated I can't follow it! No more following everyone else's plan - I am sticking to what I know works for me. No more losing 10, gaining 15. I am doing this. Now. Who is with me? Deb - please be with me! x

Back to clearing out my house....


Monday, July 11, 2016


Here is an update on my life...

1. I have regained every pound I lost. I haven't weighed, but I'm sure I'm at least 240 lbs. My lowest since I first started blogging was 155.

2. I am back to eating right and daily walking as of today.

3. Our move was to be to Phnom Penh, Cambodia, where my husband would work with a NGO who specifically works with women and children trapped in sexual exploitation. He was to manage and evaluate projects for the NGO.

4. We sold our home at a great profit as he was to move July 18th.

5. In the meantime, our daughter was accepted to University of Toronto, Medical School, rated 12th in the world. It was an overwhelming high!

6. I quit my jobs and we have sold most of our belongings. Even though we've sold almost 3/4 of our "stuff", I am missing nothing! Amazing.

7. 33 days before my husband was supposed to leave, he was diagnosed with Intermediate stage prostate cancer. He is in his 40's. It is slow growing, treatable and has a 85% cure rate. It was a miracle it was found so soon due to his medical to move abroad.

8. We lived with the worry that Cambodia was now out of the picture, but the NGO is saving the job for 6 months for him to be cleared.

9. The same day he was diagnosed, our son graduate from high school with the Principal's Award. It was such a high. It was for the student whose scholarship and service impacted the school the most. 

10. We have been offered an apartment to live in rent free in the meantime.

11. My husband faces sexual dysfunction as a result of surgery and treatment. This makes us very sad. Yes, at least he'll be alive but our sexual relationship is on point! We are having it at every possible moment in anticipation of what we are going to lose. 

As you can read, there have been extreme highs and lows. God has remained ever present and we continue on. Somehow, I have the motivation to grapple with my weight...mostly because I have a chance to lose enough to be comfortable for my plane ride to Cambodia in 6 months.

I am eating as grain free as possible, low carb and walking daily.

Time to get caught up with all of you.  I sure hope you're all skinny by now and maintaining your losses!!


Sunday, April 24, 2016

Low Carb, High Fat

Greg received a job offer for the overseas job I mentioned in my last post. I am supportive of the move. However, the employment is conditional on us having a good medical and psych test. I'm not worried about either but I KNOW my weight will be mentioned. I don't think it will affect my test results on the whole because my weight hasn't caused me medical issues...yet.

Before that testing, I am on a mission to get down below 200! I'm embracing the low carb, high fat. People swear by it. I'm going to follow the Diet Doctor and eat as he suggests. I am not weighing as I have spring/summer clothes I cannot fit into. They will be the test.

Butter, dairy, nuts in moderation, meat, cream, veggies that grow above the ground, berries and I will occasionally have a small piece of higher carb fruit.

Any guesses to where I'm planning to move?


Saturday, April 16, 2016

Still alive in the struggle

I am still alive and still struggling with pounds. I'd love to tell you that I have finally got it all together and am eating perfectly in control but it's quite the opposite.

Instead, I find myself in probably the most stressful time of life I have ever experienced. My husband lost his job in late March, which came as a huge, life changing shock to us. We were falsely secure in his job/career. His job loss has lead to a possible new job, overseas, which would make him over the moon happy. However, such a move brings new stresses - renting our house out, storing our belongings, selling cars and leaving two amazing children.

Both of my children are in transition. My youngest as been offered admission into the University of Toronto music program, his first choice. That means finding housing and moving him. My oldest interviewed for three Ontario medical schools, a huge accomplishment in itself as only 10% of all applicants are granted an interview. On May 10th, she will know if she is offered a spot. It has been fun but stressful getting her to interviews in the various cities and watching her prepare.

We celebrated our 25th anniversary in Jamaica, which was amazing, but food laden. Two days later, the job loss news come. He does have a decant severance so we are okay for now. 

My faith tells me it's all going to be okay. I know that. I need my faith to prevent me from eating the stress away. Overeating doesn't feel good for every long. It's a momentarily pleasure that feels awful later.

If the overseas move occurs, my blog will be about expatriate living in a foreign country. My focus is moving more and more away from food. And, I'm getting fatter and fatter. Coincidence? I think not.

I am alive. I am struggling!


Sunday, January 3, 2016

Mind Games

It's amazing the mind games that are played when I make a decision regarding my eating and desire to stick to it. I'm not talking about physical binge triggers, or an uncontrollable desire to eat, but good ol' fashioned mind games. The last year or so, I was so focused on the physical detriments of eating specific "bad" foods that I neglected my emotions, feeling and basic craziness that goes through my head.

Craziness like...

Well, I'm not actually back to school until Tuesday, so I might as well keep eating crap because this is it. If it's really "it", I'll stop now, and I did!

I have to wait until Monday. Who starts right after New Year's Eve? Technically, New Year's Day is still a holiday...I might as well keep eating. Nope, I stopped. Day Three of eating on track and so far, following the plan.

If I eat something not perfect, I might as well give up, throw in the towel. One bite of ____________ (whatever is off limits on my/your plan) and that's it. Done. Over. Of course I desire to be perfect, but I'm not, and it's not perfect or overeat for me. For others, I believe that holds true, but I don't need to overeat because I had a french fry and now I've blown it. 

I have faith in a God who tells me to give over my desires daily to Him, whether my selfishness rears its ugly head in pride, greed, lust,  gluttony, or disobedience to His ways. I am finding that keeping my head and heart in His word is helping with the mind games. Based on my experience over the last couple of years, I am realizing that overcoming the emotional and mental aspect of this battle is crucial for my ability to live life at a moderate weight. 

I'm 3 days into tracking again. Tracking has proven itself effective as I've used my old food journal to look at menus that have worked well in the past. It will be very interesting to see if I eat like when I was losing weight,  I will have similar weight loss results.

It is amazing - 3 days of eating no crap or overeating and I feel lighter already. I felt great in my outfit today and I look forward to my clothes becoming loose again. I will have to suffer a few days of a tight winter coat as the temperature dips below zero for the next few days. But, I am confident that a month on track will bring the desired results of a looser winter coat.

I am weighing daily, reporting monthly, as in the past. It's good to be back. It's good to be changed. The next leg of the journey does not scare me because I know where my faith lies this time...not in grain free, sugar free, low carb (all good things that I'm following to a certain extent) but rather in a God who created me in His image, who loves me and desires for me to live a happy and healthy life.


Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Not Even Close

Those jeans I wrote about in my last post are further and further from fitting! In fact, my clothes in general are getting snug. I can barely zip up my winter coat, bought for a 180 pound body. Clearly, avoiding the scale doesn't work for me. 

I stepped on the scale...I've crossed over the 200 line...again. I'm at 212, a gain of 30 pounds, a loss of 38 pounds from my highest.

I am not feeling down on myself nor defeated. There is more to life than weight. I know that there are some people who disagree with that and that because they struggle with overeating, weight management has to be number one in their lives. And, it's working for them. I cannot disagree that it works for them. It hasn't for me. I have slipped back.

I do know that I am in good company. There are some pretty high profile bloggers who have really put themselves out there and are currently struggling. I judge not. I understand. 

I am not in a place to embrace a grand scheme of doing this and not doing that. I simply am unwilling to commit to things I cannot keep. But, this is what I can manage for now and therefore my current plan.

1. Weigh daily, first thing in the morning.
2. Track food - keep a food diary, track the calories and protein. I bought a fancy new journal to help motivate me.
3. Keep grains and sugars to an absolute minimum. I am not gluten sensitive nor Celiac. However, I am insulin resistant and have PCOS. Keeping grains and sugars to a minimum is proven to benefit this condition.
4. Aim for 400 calorie meals - total of 1600 cals for now.
5. Food template - protein, healthy fat, vegetables and fruit. 
6. Walk. Maybe run between some light poles as inspired.

The biggest change I want to make is to bring my faith back into battling my weight. First and foremost, I long to obey God. I want to stop putting my faith into every new diet article or mindset that is presented and put it into following His leading. Some say overeating is not a moral issue at all, and I believe for those that it isn't. But, for me and my overeating habits, it is sometimes a moral issue. This last attempt I had thrown that overboard, believing it was 100% physical. It was the carbs, grains forcing me to binge. I do believe that there is a physical aspect to not good choice leads to another...processed carbs turn into sugar...turn into cravings...etc. I believe all of that Science 100%. I also believe the Bible and that man will turn to gluttony to self indulge. I aim for balance.

I can't wait to post a pic of those jeans fitting!

Here's to another leg in the journey.


Friday, October 2, 2015

Those Jeans...

We all have those jeans. The favourite pair of snuggly, worn, comfortable jeans. But, mine don't fit. In fact, they have only fit me for short periods of my life when I have been at my goal weight. I was not able to wear them at my lowest this time around. (182)

Yesterday, was dress down day at school. A friend looked great in her jeans and she told me that she wasn't able to do them up last year. She is not overweight but gained enough weight that her favourite jeans didn't fit. She told me that she cut out all processed foods this summer, increased her protein and exercised and was able to fit into those jeans again after a summer.

I have been avoiding the scale after my weight gain. I can't remember the last time I weighed in, but it was getting pretty close to 200. I can't bare to see that number, so I have chosen a different way to measure for now. My jeans.

Those jeans cannot go around my belly at the moment, never mind be buttoned and zipped without a muffin top. I can get them on and my bum looks great in them! (running changed my flat bum for's amazing how that worked) Yesterday, I tried on new size 12 pants I had purchased for Fall, scared to death that they wouldn't fit. They are very comfortable. What a relief. So, I decided to try on the jeans...

Every week I am going to try those jeans on. When I can button them, I will weigh. When I can wear them comfortably, with no muffin top, I will begin maintenance. I really like this measure at this point in my journey.

Since returning to work, it has been quite easy to stay on track. I am sure the main reason it's felt easier is that I have not been consuming sugar or wheat products, with the exception of a low carb wheat tortilla every once in a while. Being in the routine of work again makes eating in routine more manageable. I have a great schedule this year and am not as stressed as in the past. School lunches almost always have a good protein choice, which I pair with salad or cooked veggies. Snack is either some meat and cheese or almonds and sugar free chocolate chips. (stevia sweetened)

I am determined that my jeans will fit by my April 7th choir tour! I also have a very special Christmas conducting outfit I didn't quite get into last year, that I dream of donning this musical season.

Thanks for reading and the support!